These are actual facts! Makes you think?

Courtroom Humour


These gems are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.





Q: Are you sexually active?


A: No, I just lie there.


_______________________________





Q: What is your date of birth?


A: July 15.


Q: What year?


A: Every year.


______________________________________





Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


______________________________________





Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


A: Yes.


Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


A: I forget.


Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


_____________________________________





Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?


A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


Q: How long has he lived with you?


A: Forty-five years.


_____________________________________





Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?


A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


Q: And why did that upset you?


A: My name is Susan.


______________________________________





Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?


A: We both do.


Q: Voodoo?


A: We do.


Q: You do?


A: Yes, voodoo.


______________________________________





Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


___________________________________





Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


_____________________________________





Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


______________________________________





Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


A: Yes.


Q: And what were you doing at that time?


______________________________________





Q: She had three children, right?


A: Yes.


Q: How many were boys?


A: None.


Q: Were there any girls?


______________________________________





Q: How was your first marriage terminated?


A: By death.


Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


______________________________________





Q: Can you describe the individual?


A: He was about medium height and had a beard.


Q: Was this a male, or a female?


______________________________________





Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________





Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?


A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


______________________________________





Q: A L L your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


A: Oral.


______________________________________





Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?


A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


______________________________________





Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


______________________________________





Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


A: No.


Q: Did you check for blood pressure?


A: No.


Q: Did you check for breathing?


A: No.


Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


A: No.


Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

These are actual facts! Makes you think?
So funny, and yet, so true! I've heard all of these before, but they still make me chuckle.
Reply:grimeny!
Reply:Those are great.
Reply:Most chucklesome, but all of them were very old jokes, and I doubt if they have any basis in reality!
Reply:LOL good ones.
Reply:Glad you saved the last one for last. That's my favorite.
Reply:♥ ♥ yep can you imagine some people like that run our businesses...and our court system ♥ ♥
Reply:Good question. Here's what you do, and you need to do it immediately:





1) Don't Panic


2) Leave the area of the fire


3) Stop


4) Drop


5) Roll


6) Call 911


7) Bow to the applauding patrons


8) Ask the waiter for your check.
Reply:Love it, love it, love it!!!


Especially the last one!


I am a trade union advocate...wish i got some of these questions!!!
Reply:lol... that is so hilarious. I was laughing my as.s off.... Even the most professional people are idiotic...
Reply:Superb! Well done for tracking those down!








My favourite! . . .


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


A: Yes.


Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


A: I forget.


Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Reply:This was cool, I really enjoyed reading it, thanks!
Reply:Oh Now Those Were Good





10/10
Reply:That's so funny.
Reply:magnificent, that is classic. i bet there are many more far worse ones!
Reply:Thats just funny
Reply:Yes funny funny stuff!!
Reply:omg that stuff is absolutely ridiculous. i almost died just reading those.
Reply:i love em all... lmao. geez... people sure can be stupid eh. theres no way i could have kept a straight face. thanks for the many laughs.





where the hell did you find these anyhow.
Reply:Nothing is funnier than REAL LIFE!





L O L Can you believe it?????
Reply:those were all hilarious i can't believe people don't think before they speak
Reply:SPot on love em!!!
Reply:this was AWESOME!! 10/10
Reply:i had a really bad day today and those just made me laugh
Reply:OMG... LMFAO... I am so gonna get written up by my boss... hell I don't care... it was worth it... I needed that so bad... thanks for the laugh... = )
Reply:am jst getting the points here.


a question: where exactly did the question come in?


that stuff is too wierd to be true- am dropping out. i was going to be a lawyer-SYKE!!!
Reply:Those were brill!
Reply:nice, very nice...
Reply:i would love to go to court and hear them say things like this...lol good one, 15/10
Reply:haha.... theyre all good.
Reply:i thought this was for questions